Women eh (but we love them)

Just some ramblings for those of you that are starting out and are so blinded by love… read , be advised , laugh at the idiotic view below , however its science so it will happen , accept, resistance wont work………..

Disclaimer: Views below are purely from the male(my) perspective and no consideration given to the other (incorrect) side.

The milk carton:

For years they can live with you, silently storing up an anger deep inside.This growing anxiety eats away at them but they stay silent, like a lion stalking its prey.Then once she becomes a wife it slowly gets released.Seemingly there is a correct way to put milk back in the fridge.Firstly us men are not too good at putting it back so i can understand that frustration, however when we do actually make the efforts it is met with some large sighs, often verbal abuse and in extreme cases the silent treatment (I’ll cover this treatment later). And even when you leave the kitchen she will check.

The same is true for hanging of clothes out to dry.It is only since i was married that I have understood the physics of wind movement and its ability to dry clothes.Depending on the exact placement of the item in relation to the peg holding it on the line can have HUGE implications to the drying time.

WOMEN EH – BUT WE LOVE THEM.

me

The Toilet seat:

Really not a lot to say here. It’s just pure laziness , She doesn’t want to put the damn thing down and would rather waste time complaining that you left it up or left it down as you went and it is now christened.Like get her to stand on a chair and piss into the center of a tyre without hitting the edges.Its easier for them, their body is in a locked aiming position.Our gun is a dangly hose, fecking thing could go off in any direction, a surprise every time.Years of practice to react in milliseconds to straighten the damn thing.Totally unappreciated of course.This can cause huge arguments as she twists it to be all your fault.WOMEN EH – BUT WE LOVE THEM.

me

The Bed Covers:

Ok give up.Just dont fuck with them on this one.Its hers, hers alone….let her have it.Be grateful for any inch or two you get.I have heard cases of the smallest of women up turning large men just to claim their equal half (not mathematically half, scientific studies have proven that this “woman theoretically half” is approximately 87.345677%. In later marriage the 2 single bed V double bed is an option.WOMEN EH – BUT WE LOVE THEM.

me

The Silent Treatment:

Ahh bliss……… In the early stages of marriage I used to get annoyed at this, often led to worry “was she ever going to talk to me again” (translated – “no sex tonight then”) but as my marriage has matured this treatment can be a blessing.Its better than a barrage of verbal abuse , only half it true and the rest finely twisted that doesn’t allow for an easy counter argument (they are genius at this, do they learn it in school or something). So in summary guys , whatever you do it’s always worth the additional effort.WOMEN EH – BUT WE LOVE THEM.

me

Word of warning :- Never push it so far that you get the vocal silent treatment. My wife can give the loudest silent treatment ever.

PMS:

Ok so you may become aware of this phenomenon way before you enter the marriage game.Really comes to the fore when ye move in together.Its well documented. she will use it as an excuse for almost any of lifes events or to not do whatever takes her fancy. It like their go to excuse (a close second would be the “not tonight i have a headache – Note the headache can often be classified as a symptom of PMS). Anyway you will learn quite quickly that your woman friend about once every month, for approx a week (end to end) will go totally nuclear on you. Common signs are

  • Cry
  • Dieting
  • Gorging on chocolate
  • Super sensitive about the whole Milk Carton placement
  • Will not use the Silent treatment during this time
  • Verbally abuse you because she has no clothes, her nails are fat, The toilet seat is up, The toilet seat is down, you haven’t cooked her dinner since yesterday, you’re not feeding her, you’re trying to fatten her up, your breathing

The trick to getting on with them during this week is to do everything…

…and the opposite to it,

…all at once,

…and never.

Its piss easy really. Ha ha I lie, move the fuck out if you can.

Once you survive that week then you have about another 5 to 7 days of normality before it starts to build again.And remember Women don’t suffer from PMS, we do.

me

WOMEN EH – BUT WE LOVE THEM.

So in summary if you take all of above it can be condensed into the simple fact that women have an issue with Placement.The fact that your placed in their world is an issue.

I’ll end this rambling with some advise for you first time lovers. Moving in can be a wonderful experience…. last about a fortnight.So to get off to a good start………

Washing Machine – This is hers.She will try to get you involved.To avoid you need 2 items of clothing. Her favorite white blouse and a red knickers. Put both on at the highest temperature, throw in a few more items, whites and a few more colours just to make it look real. Result:- you will be barred for life from the washing machine.

Iron – As your rushing out to an important night out , badly iron a shirt with crease marks all across it. When she eventually takes her eyes from the mirror she will notice and throw a wobbler at the state of you, rip it off you saying “FFS you cant go out like that” (Translated – you can’t be seen with me with a shirt that badly ironed, they will think i don’t look after you”. Result: – Shirts ironed every Sunday night for the whole week.

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